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From I love you to I hate you

How do we get upset of the people who once claimed that they loved us but now they try to get rid of us as soon as possible. If you ask them the reason, they may tell you that it's only your thinking or a misbelieve but sometimes it's important in the relationships to trust your sixth sense , use it , believe your intuition , there must be a reason why are you feeling this particular way. Now let's start with what are the reasons.

1.The reasons:

In the beginning , there is all a formal caring , an image of caring and of tolerating every bad thing, you believe that this man/woman is the only one for you and like you have found the best person ever, the right one. But when you go ahead and the colors of formality start vanishing , you feel that the man/woman you chose has stopped loving you. The reason for a depression for you. As more closer you get, the more you come to understand each other , as the nature of both of you disclose and obviously you feel that this person is something else in reality than what I felt in the beginning.

As the relation starts and you find a new partner so you feel joy and happiness , as it is the nature of man to get more attracted to a new thing. There is a special joy of a new friend , you try your best to make your friend happy but as the temporary joy ends , you realize that all your concepts of this ideal relation were totally wrong and may be even your choice was wrong.

In such time , if someone else meets you and starts to like you , you may feel more attracted to the new person for the same reason of "Special joy of a new friend" if already you are fed up of your mate. 

Another reason is the bad or miscommunication that leads to lasting of fights for days and days ,both of the partners show stiffness and zero compatibility , everyone wants that his/her demands must be met. All feelings associated start to break down when we are not ready to let go of things and make any kind of little compromise.

2.Bringing back the love into your life:

If you feel like you and your buddy are going through same " I love you to I hate you" phase and want to bring back the love. It's time to work not only with himself/herself but also with yourself.

Write the reasons on a paper why you feel uncomfortable about him/her and his/her doings, write when your mind is completely free and relax. Then recall the background , your childhood that how did your parents behave on the situations? May be you and your partner are doing all the same things as they saw their parents doing it , or how they were treated by their parents in their childhood, once you have come to know why you feel this way and even your partner feels because of the past experiences fed by his/her parents. You don't have to change or worry about it at all.

Reasons for 98% fights is our own fears , anger , frustrations which we ourselves are afraid to admit so if you come to discuss a topic with your partner saying " I'm not satisfied with this habit of yours". And your partner says "I don't know why are you always complaining?" instead of putting another negative reply start with "No I'm not , I really do care about you , about us to be together and I want to be happy with you , all I want from you is this that it could be good enough that if you stop hurting me like that". In these statements you're confirming your love for your partner that makes him/her feel secured at the first step and then in the second step you are telling him/her what to do instead of yelling out on you. You can always be sure that behind his/her anger or rude behavior lies deep fear of losing you or of anything but related to you, may be it's some misconception, something occupying your partner's mind that he/she is not able to communicate. Dealing softly will help you go through the tough gate.

Men and women have exactly the same feelings but the difference lies only in expression that women are more comfortable in what they feel , they express it often but men rarely express feelings though they may be more sensitive than women and feel even minute things. Men try to be strong enough but hiding feelings is a weakness not any strength , when you express your feelings and want the man to reply to you. Here are you to do all with your face and voice expressions , use the face expressions as much as you can, don't speak in a same tone , keep changing your tone according to the expressions. You shall always believe that he will take a lot of time to open himself before you because men are afraid that they shall never express their feelings , but believe that he feels the same way as you do otherwise he would have not been around you.

Don't go to long arguments , what you feel uncomfortable about , clear it in 10 minutes and do it directly instead of talking first about old matters and making the issue go all night long. Bring gifts to your fellow , now the gift is a simple gift but you can make it all work better , if you write a good sentence over the pack such as "For someone I care the most" , "Surprise!" or anything you feel good , assurance of love is very important , though we might not need it willingly but we need it unwillingly. 

Try to understand that most of his/her problems are due to his/her childhood and parental issues and even your reactions are due to your childhood concepts and treatment , so when you feel obsessed , tell yourself that there is not only one way of doing things , that you cannot live your life being dependent on your parents and their ideas, you have to have your own thinking , someway you can comfort your fellow.

The man often sees his mother in the form of woman and the woman sees her father in the form of man unconsciously , he wants you to take his care like his mother did and you expect the behavior from him the way your father treated you , if your father was a rude person , then it would not matter much if your man is also a rude person. The problem arises that a child does not really care about his mother because he feels that mother gives selfless love, not wanting anything in return but you have to change this position , not by fighting but by reaching to the inner hearts. You just have to start gradually , tell him/her and assure him/her that his/her presence means a lot to you , ask his/her opinions , encourage him/her if he/she takes part in your life. Obviously if you want others to take part in your life , you've to take part in their lives first. Giving your fellow the confidence that you believe in him/her and trust their abilities can make a very strong bond between two of us.

When you feel angry , just tell him/her directly once he/she is in a mood to listen. We try to absorb things to avoid fights and to keep the other person happy but it is the biggest punishment we give to ourselves. When we don't express a feeling , it comes out in any other form and becomes even a punishment for ourselves. Now you don't have to store your feelings in your mind , just tell him/her what you feel disturbed at but also provide alternate way of how you would have liked things to be , there is no shame in expressing what you feel. Feelings are to be expressed not to be kept within. Tell him/her how you would like him/her to deal next time and how to avoid such cases.

Never ever blame or start attacking his/her family and friends, because he/she feels much secure and bonded with them because of their presence in his/her life since a longtime, they have grown together  , they rely on them and when you say something bad , you are just trying to prove him/her that you are trying to break his/her pillars of support , and this fear of feeling down will make him/her retaliate at you even worse.

It's much better to do some activity together if things are not getting straight between you two, taking some days off and spending vacations in a favorite city of his/her can be a very fruitful activity.

Once in a while , discuss all of your problems , your complaints with the will to improve them, you will feel more comfortable when you will have good connected communication. It will take time but once it is developed, yours hearts would be like bridges to each other.

Written by Dr.Muhammad Wasif Haq, 2004

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